Music

Austin, Condensed

Why attend 1,400 concerts when you can read an abbreviated list instead?

By Sam Machkovech 

SXSW by the Numbers:

Times we overheard people mention MySpace at SXSW: 4 (admittedly, we didn't attend the My Chemical Romance show, which affects our count)

People who looked at our badges, realized we weren't trendy or in a band and walked away: 15

White people at Pikahsso's Friday night performance at Club One 15: 12 or so

Out of those, employees of The Dallas Morning News: 2

Bike-taxi rides: 4

Bike-taxi rides in which we apparently undertipped: 1 (but the guy rode downhill most of the way)

Times Morrissey took his shirt off and threw it into the crowd during his Austin Music Hall performance: 3

Gay men who shat themselves at Austin Music Hall: 3

Minutes Noah W. Bailey stood next to Neil Young at an M's concert: 15

Minutes Noah W. Bailey has talked about standing next to Neil Young: ...lost count two days ago

Breakfast burritos consumed: 18

Breakfast burritos consumed before midnight: 0

People who openly declared their amazement at the concept of the margarita: 17

Out of those, Canadians: 16

Times we went to concerts held in a church: 2

Times we've been to a church in the past year, including SXSW: 3 (what can we say? SXSW is very...spiritual)

False Beastie Boys concert rumors: 5

False Neil Young concert rumors: 3

False Bruce Springsteen concert rumors:..Noah, how many of those did we make up again?

People who asked if we were attending the Clap Your Hands Say Yeah concert: 20

Times we saw Clap Your Hands Say Yeah: 0 (thankfully)

SXSW by the Quotes:

"Dad, I didn't mean to give you a hard time about how you're so old that you can't even read without those reading glasses."

"The other day, your mother said to me, 'Bobby, let's go upstairs and make love.' I told her, 'I can't do both.'"

--Bobby Bare Jr. and Sr. sharing a father-son moment...of sorts

"I'm not sure if I should tell you guys this, don't wanna jinx it...but we met a guy earlier from a label who said he's very interested in our band and wants to sign us. [Pause.] DON'T TELL ANYONE."

--Ted Nesseth, the Heavenly States

"Thanks for coming out. We're playing at the Chevron station later. We'll be in the bathroom. The stage is sponsored by Cingular and Pampers. Space is limited."

--Christian Wargo, the Crystal Skulls

"Pot is legal at South by Southwest!"

--Wayne Coyne, the Flaming Lips (understandably, the crowd went ape after this declaration)

"My lovely lady dumps."

--Peaches, in a Weird Al-inspired take on "My Humps" that used the word "poop" more than my little cousin

"I don't know if I'm anything like I was when I started, you know? It's hard to remember."

--Neil Young at the SXSW keynote interview

"Mr. Young, if you can hear me back there, we need another song."

--SXSW co-founder Roland Swenson after discussing the effects of Young's "Ohio" on Vietnam's anti-war movement

Handstamps: Folks, I'm tellin' ya--Pegasus Now is a local band to get pumped about, and Thursday night is a perfect night to see their swirly, shoegazy keyboard pop when they open for the Tah Dahs at the Cavern... The Chemistry Set and Radiant deliver polished pop to the Hailey's stage on Friday...Super-foxy ex-Dentonites the Faceless Werewolves return to Rubber Gloves on Saturday to open for blues-rock dynamos jetscreamer...We doubt it's the real deal, but some act billed as Chuck Norris headlines at the Inferno on Sunday. Anything less than a million roundhouse kicks and a bunch of Internet jokes will be a disappointment.